NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility. “At approximately 8 p.m. last night, a rodent wearing a testing formulation of L’Oreal’s 19-1664 ‘rosewine’ lip shade successfully beckoned to an unsuspecting guard and distracted him with its perfect, pouty mouth, bewitching him long enough to reach his keyring, unlock its cage, and escape,” said L’Oreal CEO Jean Paul Agon, who emphasized that production of the color stick would be halted until an internal investigation could determine how the rat was able to not only stun over a dozen officers with its craveable come-hither look, but also leave the head of surveillance blindfolded and tied to a chair with his boxers around his ankles. “Until we find out exactly how test subject number 445 ended up with lips so luscious that every member of our security team was powerless to resist them, it would be egregiously irresponsible to release this product to the public. You must understand: No matter how fast it scampered, no matter how many guards it kissed, this rat had a perfect pucker that was impossible resist. We will not allow a lip color this sultry, this durable, this dangerous, to be sold. Because it’s not worth it.” At press time, Agon had warned residents who lived around the L’Oreal facility to take extra precautions while out at night, as the rat’s no-smear lip color stays flawless for up to 12 hours.
hey, you wanna learn about the largest amphibian in the western hemisphere? you do?
GREAT.
(no takebacks)
then without further ado, I’d like to introduce you to
found in the eastern half of the United States, the Hellbender is a giant fucking salamander. they are the largest amphibian in the western hemisphere by a wide margin, with adults clocking in at around two… feet? (that definitely says feet. jesus) long.
large enough to use as a blunt instrument
no one is really sure how these giant salamanders earned the name “Hellbender”, but it is thought that white settlers thought it was “a creature from hell who was bent on returning”, or that its wrinkly skin reminded white settlers of “the horrible tortures of the infernal regions.” (white settlers should not have been allowed to name things.)
…all right, yeah, it does sort of look like it crawled out of a Bosch painting.
these days, locals just tend to give them endearing vernacular names like: Snot Otter! Lasagna Lizard! Devil Dog! Grampus! Allegheny Alligator! aaaand for some fucking reason, Leverian Water Newt!
these poor guys just can’t catch a break.
you’re hurting his feelings
the Hellbender is found in fast water streams and rivers from New York to Missouri. they breath completely through their skin (weird, but mammals can be judgey about this so I’ll let it slide) and hide under large rocks on the streambed, where they feast on crayfish and also regular fish.
maybe also feet
they are active at night and remain in dark areas during the day. to stay hidden, they have evolved light-sensitive cells all over their bodies. that’s right, they literally turned themselves into a single giant weird eyeball. what the fuck, evolution.
this seems like a good survival strategy (sort of), but it also means that to catch one you just have to go flip a bunch of muddy rocks over.
aaaaa! my plan, foiled!
unfortunately, human activity has been decreasing their number for years, and they are now regarded as Threatened. that said, there are many programs now in place for their recovery, including extensive captive breeding and environmental repair.
hopefully in the future these amazing giant snot otters will make a recovery. we wish only good things for the lasagna lizard.
look at those eager faces! the future is yours, children
